Wilder

When I wake up, I’m alone in bed, and the house is quiet. I check the time on my phone and remember what Maddy told me yesterday, Sterling is probably already up and feeding the animals. That man is something. Something special. Definitely.

I roll to my back, needing a moment to collect my thoughts. Yesterday, just as I was falling asleep, Sterling asked me if I’d ever been with an Omega, and then asked about when I lost my mate. I didn’t really want to answer him, especially not since I didn’t want to think about Logan being with someone else, or even Sterling being with someone. Even the thought of Logan and Sterling together kind of made me feel weird. I know it’s the reality, and for now, Sterling has no idea what his questions do to me, to my need to keep lying to him, but it hurts all the same.

If Logan left me when we were twenty-five, that was a decade ago, and Logan and Sterling met eight years ago… Damn. That means that for two years, Logan was alone. That can’t have been easy, no matter how you look at it. It can’t have been easy for Logan to leave me, and then… be alone. Logan was never really good at being alone anyway, he was too much of a social creature for that. Though, having been here for a couple of days, and how there doesn’t seem to be anyone to care for Sterling, did Logan lose that?

How much has Logan changed in those two years? A sickening feeling settles in my stomach. Even though I hate him for leaving me, knowing that he’d been alone like that… It can’t have been easy. Especially not with the way his family put so much pressure on him to get mated to an Omega. That already happened while his parents knew we were together and probably only intensified when he was alone.

Sure, I was alone, but at least I didn’t have to worry about my family. I didn’t have to keep some family honour up, a so-called family legacy. My parents were Betas, which is uncommon, but happens. My parents just wanted me to do well, they didn’t really keep me to a super high standard or anything. I did pretty well, even if I didn’t have an Omega mate. And my mating with Logan… that hadn’t really been a problem anyway. So, even though he left me, I almost feel like I got the better deal out of this. I may have been living life alone, but I’ve been able to always make my own choices, a freedom Logan didn’t have.

I sit up, grabbing around for my clothes and putting them on. Well, I guess it’s time to start my day and do some things around here, I’ve only got one week off work, and we’re now on day four. I count again on my fingers. Yeah, day four. Great…

I walk to the kitchen, where Sterling is sitting at the table, bent over a notebook, a pen in his hands and all sorts of pieces of paper around him. “Morning.”

Sterling jumps slightly before he looks up. “Morn’.” He blinks and looks a little lost for a moment.

“Are you working?” I walk over to the coffee maker, only to see there isn’t any.

“Yeah, doing some stuff and trying to make numbers work for me.”

I open the cupboard. “Coffee?”

“Yes.” Sterling lets out a little laugh. “Thank you. I knew I’d forgotten something.”

I set up the machine and turn to the table. “Anything I can help with? I can do numbers decently, but I’m not that good…” I sit down and look at some pieces of paper. “What are you doing?”

“I started to organise the things I had to take care of for next week’s farmers’ market, but then I started looking at other things and numbers, and suddenly I was looking at how long I can even keep living like this….” His breath hitches and I reach out, putting my hand on his arm. Fuck.

“Okay, first. Farmers’ market, what do you need to do for that?” I can’t even imagine having to think about all of this, so breaking it down is probably the best thing.

“I just need to make a list of all the things I’ll be selling, and making sure that I make a list of tasks still to do.” He grabs a new piece of paper and starts writing stuff down.

I’m not even sure why I’m surprised he’d be doing something like this. It’s not like Sterling looks like an Omega who just sits at home, caring for the house, he’s much too active for that. Especially with the things he told me about this place and how he takes care of the garden and the animals and stuff. When his hand slows down a little, I look at him. “What’s next?”

He opens his mouth, then closes it, licking his lips before his eyes water. “Logan’s company.” He wipes at his eyes. Oh, crap.

I stand up and pour us both a big mug of coffee. “I guess we’ll be needing this?”

Sterling nods. “Yeah.”

“What kind of company does he have?” I always assumed that he’d start working at his family’s company as soon as they got tired of waiting for him.

“Web design. It supports us well enough, and there is some extra money that I bring in with selling things on the market.”

“Web design?” That surprises me. Logan was never one to really find much interesting about it. I did my major in web design, but Logan did his major in software engineering, and when he left me, he was working for a software company. I thought he’d stayed on that track, it always seemed to suit him best. He was smart like that.

“Yeah. He already had the company when we met. It was actually…” He falls quiet for a moment. “We were both at a seminar about administration for small companies. And we were grouped up for something.” He lets out a little sigh. “I never thought I’d find a mate like that.”

‘Like a funeral is a more likely place…’ But I keep my mouth shut. There are things he doesn’t need to think about right now, and this is one of them. “So, web design. That’s his thing?”

“He does the technical and design things, I mostly take care of the administration and some easier things. I’m not involved in the actual design, but I deal with customers and numbers.” He shrugs at he sips at his coffee.

“So, you’d need someone to do the coding side of things?” That should be fixable. “I can help with that. I can ask around. I’m in web design myself, but I work for a larger company that often works on specific projects for their clients.”

“You can? That would mean the world to me.” He reaches out and takes my hand. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” The relief on his face is palpable. This must have weighed on him so much.

“What’s going on with the company right now?” Because if they have their own company, it can’t be easy to just take days off.

“I emailed clients and told them some about what happened and that the company is closed for two weeks. I guess I just thought I could fix it somehow. How naive was I?” He shakes his head.

“It’s okay. We’ll find someone to help you. There’s always web designers looking for work, no matter what type of work you do.” If there is one thing that I know, it’s that there is never enough work for web designers. Too many people think they can just do this, that they don’t need any experience or actual eye for design to be able to do stuff like this.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” I squeeze his hand, finishing my coffee. “Are you ready?”

Sterling shakes his head but stands up anyway.

“Lead the way.” I keep my hand lightly on his arm as I walk next to him.

Sterling stops in front of the door next to the guest room. I don’t know what I expected, but maybe not this, not that Logan’s office would be right next to the room where I’ve been sleeping… Where I had sex with his mate… Sterling stops but doesn’t reach for the door.

“Have you been in here since the accident?” I can’t imagine how hard this must be for him.

“Once. I had to send the email to the clients. But not after…” He grabs onto my arm, and I wrap my other arm around him. Of all the things, this is probably the place where Logan spent much of his time alone.

“I wish I had the right words, to like… encourage you and things like that. But there is nothing.” I hold him tighter for a moment, then I let go. “We got to do this. I’ll make you breakfast after.”

“Pancakes?” There is a little smile in Sterling’s words.

“Sure. Pancakes.” I nod, just when I thought that he may be tired of them by now.

Sterling reaches out and holds the doorknob for a moment before he pushes it open. The inside is exactly as I imagined it. Books all around the walls, a huge computer on one end and a lot of other stuff stashed in this room. It almost looks like he just kept moving to this room when the guest room got too full, or the other way around… Sterling steps inside and looks around, his eyes filling with tears, and he holds himself tightly.

I can’t say anything, I don’t have any words because I’m trying really hard not to show how much this affects me too. It reminds me of how Logan used to be, the way he’d organise his ‘work room’ in our house. I’m not surprised his room looks like this, not at all.

Sterling walks to the computer and pushes a button on the side. The thing comes to live, and he sits in the chair, no, slumps in it. The login screen pops up, and he types in the password. And the next moment, we’re faced with not one, but three pictures of Logan, Sterling and Maddy, because Logan doesn’t have one screen, but three screens, lined up side by side. Sterling gasps and whimpers.

I’m right there next to him, wrapping my arms around him tightly, holding him. Fuck. This is just cruel. How can Sterling even do anything here now?

Sterling holds onto me tightly as he sobs, his tears soaking my shirt and I grasp onto him as I break too. I’ve been able to keep myself up pretty well this whole time. But this… This just breaks me. I can’t ignore it, not this, this out of all the things that have been happening these past days.

“Wild…” Sterling’s voice is soft. “I can’t…” He shakes his head. “I can’t do this.”

“It’s okay. Let’s get out of here.” I help him out of the chair, making sure I’m between him and the screens. I close the door behind me, and Sterling breaks apart in my arms, a sobbing mess that I don’t know how to make better. I’m not the one who can fix this, the only one who can isn’t here anymore. I lift him as best as I can and carry him to the guest room, making him lie down on the bed. I pull the blanket over him and sit down on the floor next to the bed.

Fuck this. Fuck this shit. I wrap my arms around myself tightly, my own tears too strong. This was so not planned.

“I’m sorry.” Sterling’s voice is soft. “I shouldn’t have pulled you along in this. That wasn’t right. Fuck.”

I turn to him, looking at the broken man on the bed, the man who tries to be strong, no matter how hurt he is. “No apologising. Let’s try again later, or tomorrow. It will be hard, but we’ll get through this. This can’t be helped.” I reach out, touching his wet cheek. “I’d rather be with you myself than you doing this on your own or with someone from Logan’s family.”

He closes his eyes and nods. “I’d rather have you with me too.” He lets out a shaking breath. “I’m still sorry for breaking down.”

“Don’t be.” I try to smile at him. “You just stay here, rest a little. I’ll go make breakfast.” I stand up, calmly leaving the room, a calm that I don’t feel inside. Fuck. I close the door behind me most of the way, then I look at the other door, Logan’s office. Logan is and stays Logan, that much is clear. I walk past the door and make my way to the kitchen. Tears stream down my cheeks. This is getting really messed up now.

First, I was Logan’s mate. Then, Sterling was just Logan’s mate. Now, Sterling’s also my mate? But also… How can I protect him when the one hurting him is the one I was also mated to? And why does it hurt two ways? First, it hurts to see Logan with someone else, but also, it hurts to see Sterling with someone else. It’s confusing, and I don’t know what to do about it, or even how I can fix any of this.

I start making pancakes, trying to calm myself down, trying really hard because Sterling can’t see me like this. The lying is starting to hurt more and more, but also, I don’t want to put that pain on Sterling either.

“Da—Wilder.” Maddy’s voice comes from the doorway.

My heart beats loudly, and I need a moment to overcome this twist in my chest. When I turn around, Maddy is standing in the doorway, in her pyjamas, her eyes big as she looks at me. “Morning, princess.”

“Morning.” Her voice is soft, and she looks down, walking over to her chair and climbing on it.

“Did you sleep well?” I try to act normal, but we both know what she was about to say.

She nods. “Are you making pancakes?”

“Yeah. Again.” I try to smile at her because she looks so upset by what she just almost did.

“I like pancakes.” She plays with her fingers, and I go over to her, kneel down next to her.

“I know. Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry. That was bad.” Her bottom lip trembles.

I put my hand on her head. “It’s okay. I’m not upset. And it’s good that I’m making pancakes, right?”

She nods.

“Do you have any preferences for shapes?” I go back to the stove, as I was about ready to start baking.

“Aminals.” Sterling’s voice surprises me, and when I look up at him, he looks between us. “I guess we’re starting a slow morning today.” He sits down on a chair and Maddy climbs in his lap, putting her head on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head before he looks at me. “It seems like we need a little breather today, eh?”

I nod. Yeah. I guess that we’re all a little wired today, even though it started pretty well.